fiction

SAN FRANCISCO—The perennial problem of poor punctuality has been solved, says San Francisco startup SynchroPal, billed as the “cure for lateness”.

“Our arrival times at social appointments varies, depending on factors including our cultural background and sense of self-worth,” says its research director James Kravitz.

The company’s eponymous app hopes to allow users with different arrival times to arrange meetings “seamlessly”, with each recipient seeing an appointment time tailored to them.

Friends who typically arrive 20 minutes late will see a time 20 minute earlier than those who arrive on time. Adjustments are made the other way for those who turn up early.

“An inability to make appointments on time can cause distress both to the one who is late and to those who must wait for them,” says Kravitz. The company estimates punctuality failures cost $23.7bn a year.

The medical and academic community disagree on whether the well-known phenomenon should be given the status of medical condition, tentatively called “dyschronia”.

“The traditional view is that people who are constantly late are inconsiderate or selfish, while others say they are simply unwell. Synchropal get around that whole thing,” says Kravitz.

The SynchroPal app is downloadable free from the Google Play and Apple Store, with users charged a micro payment for each synchronous meetup.

“We need to build up trust in the new system and to allow people to use it without thinking about it,” says Kravitz. “They will then find their lives run much more smoothly.” ■

The chief executive of Funtime funfare says fatal accidents on one of its most famous rides are the fault of an “irresponsible minority”.

A couple in their twenties were flung from Funtime funfare’s world famous Whirligig Megawalzer on Tuesday night. The ride closed for twenty minutes to allow ambulances access to the injured, both dead on arrival at hospital.

“We would like to say how sad we all are that some of our customers have tragically chosen to be thrown to their deaths from one of our rides,” said Funtime funfare chief executive Sir Richard Melkins.

“I would like to reassure our customers that only a small minority of customers allow themselves to suffer untimely death. They were obviously not holding on tight,” said Sir Richard.

A lawyer for the families of the deceased couple, Richard Smith, said a coroner’s report said the pair were unconscious at the time they hit the ground, suggesting the g-forces of the ride were to blame.

“It is common knowledge that our world famous whirligig ride is going to temporarily paralyse a small percentage of customers. Everyone knows that before they get on. That is why our motto is ‘Hold tight folks!’,” said Sir Richard.

“To say that someone is being irresponsible for not holding on when they are unconsciousness is completely illogical and clearly self-serving,” said Mr Smith. No ministers were available to comment. 

The Funtime funfare runs every day non-stop for the foreseeable future. ■

“Hit me with it.”
“In the beginning was the word, and the word…” 
There was a cough. John looked up from his reading, wounded.
“Sorry, John, do you mind if I offer some feedback?”
“But I only just started.”
“I know, I know it’s frustrating. I just feel you need to start with more punch.”
“More punch? This is the bible. Does the bible need punch?” 
“Trust me, everything needs more punch, especially the bible.”
“Ok, I’ll have to take your word for it.”
“Do that. I’ve had an eternity in this business. I know what I’m talking about. People get bored awfully easily.” 
“This editor is a real hard ass,” thought John.
“I know you think I’m a hard ass, John, but I’ll let it go.”
That got John’s attention. 
“OK, let’s get back to it. This is the beginning, we know it’s the beginning. What the reader needs is information right between the eyes. Pow!”
“So maybe we should start with, ‘There was the word’?” ventured John.
“How would we know it was the beginning?”
“Er. I don’t know.”
“You tell them John, you are writing this thing..
“There was the word at the beginning.”
“Okay, try again.”
“‘The word’, that was the beginning.”
“Better. Lead the reader into it now.”
“‘The word’, and that was just the beginning’?” John ventured. 
“I like it. I like it. It creates a mystery and leads the reader in, hungry. And now what.
“’Tune in next time to find out what happens in the second part of this sentence’?”
“You’re getting the hang of this.” ■