philcain

The chief executive of Funtime funfare says fatal accidents on one of its most famous rides are the fault of an “irresponsible minority”.

A couple in their twenties were flung from Funtime funfare’s world famous Whirligig Megawalzer on Tuesday night. The ride closed for twenty minutes to allow ambulances access to the injured, both dead on arrival at hospital.

“We would like to say how sad we all are that some of our customers have tragically chosen to be thrown to their deaths from one of our rides,” said Funtime funfare chief executive Sir Richard Melkins.

“I would like to reassure our customers that only a small minority of customers allow themselves to suffer untimely death. They were obviously not holding on tight,” said Sir Richard.

A lawyer for the families of the deceased couple, Richard Smith, said a coroner’s report said the pair were unconscious at the time they hit the ground, suggesting the g-forces of the ride were to blame.

“It is common knowledge that our world famous whirligig ride is going to temporarily paralyse a small percentage of customers. Everyone knows that before they get on. That is why our motto is ‘Hold tight folks!’,” said Sir Richard.

“To say that someone is being irresponsible for not holding on when they are unconsciousness is completely illogical and clearly self-serving,” said Mr Smith. No ministers were available to comment. 

The Funtime funfare runs every day non-stop for the foreseeable future. ■

“Hit me with it.”
“In the beginning was the word, and the word…” 
There was a cough. John looked up from his reading, wounded.
“Sorry, John, do you mind if I offer some feedback?”
“But I only just started.”
“I know, I know it’s frustrating. I just feel you need to start with more punch.”
“More punch? This is the bible. Does the bible need punch?” 
“Trust me, everything needs more punch, especially the bible.”
“Ok, I’ll have to take your word for it.”
“Do that. I’ve had an eternity in this business. I know what I’m talking about. People get bored awfully easily.” 
“This editor is a real hard ass,” thought John.
“I know you think I’m a hard ass, John, but I’ll let it go.”
That got John’s attention. 
“OK, let’s get back to it. This is the beginning, we know it’s the beginning. What the reader needs is information right between the eyes. Pow!”
“So maybe we should start with, ‘There was the word’?” ventured John.
“How would we know it was the beginning?”
“Er. I don’t know.”
“You tell them John, you are writing this thing..
“There was the word at the beginning.”
“Okay, try again.”
“‘The word’, that was the beginning.”
“Better. Lead the reader into it now.”
“‘The word’, and that was just the beginning’?” John ventured. 
“I like it. I like it. It creates a mystery and leads the reader in, hungry. And now what.
“’Tune in next time to find out what happens in the second part of this sentence’?”
“You’re getting the hang of this.” ■

The Slightly Serious Fraud Office today unveiled plans to create a pyramid scheme incubator division as part of a new, entrepreneurial approach to activities traditionally seen as crimes.

“For too long pyramid schemes have been operated on the wrong side of the law by criminals, putting consumers at unnecessary risk,” said Richard Gregory, head of the newly-launched SSFO Schemes Incubator.

“We are leveraging the SSFO’s reputation and expertise to update this approach to give investors the reassurance they crave of having half-a-chance of striking it rich by putting their money in an inherently unstable investment vehicle.” 

Pyramid schemes typically give sizable returns for a small number of early investors at the very top, before collapsing in ruins on everyone else. Proponents say the new department will allow more people a chance to join those who benefit.

“The key is openness. As long as everybody has ticked a box to acknowledge that around 95% of investors in pyramid schemes are set to lose every penny,” says Gary, one of the new breed of entrepreneurs to get an official SSFO certificate.

“Pyramid schemes will go on regardless,” says Clair Fisher, an MP backing the scheme. “It is far better to legalise them and monetise people’s unrealistic aspirations, so giving pyramid businesses a fair chance and bring in Treasury revenue, rather than simply enrich criminals.”

Fisher says the proceeds of the incubator scheme will be invested in schools, hospitals, social services and counselling services, benefiting both winners and losers of the system. ■