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Rampaging giants may soon face barking

Fifi Trixibelle

Giants who carry off townspeople or who trample crops can expect to be barked at quite loudly from tomorrow, according to the latest light-touch regulatory scheme.

“We have created a vocal new guardian of the townspeople, empowered to bark at anyone over five-foot-three who might be up to no good,” the king’s town crier roared.

Critics of the scheme, which was proposed by giants, point out that the new regulator, Fifi Trixibelle, is a toy poodle only sixteen inches tall who is fed and watered by the giants.

Fifi’s barking will, however, supporters say, be based on the recommendations of an Independent Complaints Panel which will assess any written reports of marauding in detail.

“This is a cutting edge form of self-regulation, striking the perfect balance between the interests of villagers and giants,” said one of the king’s men, a part-time adviser to giants.

There were 4,535 townspeople carried away by giants and 1,445 acres of land trampled last year, up 20%, according to the Office of Town Statistics. ■

FunnyBone’s Mirth-24/7 update to give humour boost

FunnyBone Technologies Inc (FBT) has introduced long-awaited functionality to its flagship automated social media delivery package, Mirth-24/7, promising 85% humour optimisation.

The update will mean “content suppliers will have greater data, control and modulation of amusement intensity so enabling them to extract the most value from their humorous material”.

Social media content suppliers have long struggled to deliver social media feeds that properly regulate amusement levels to maximise engagement and so return on investment. Perfectly reasonable gags can sometimes fall completely flat.

“What we realised is that our perception of humour is relative, so things which are not funny in normal life can appear funny or simply poignant in the right context,” says Jim Carpenter, chief context technician at FunnyBones.

Similarly, the Carpenter says, content which might be thought to be quite funny in a completely neutral context can seem “lame” if it is placed next to more dazzling material. This is potentially a waste.

“About 80% of material is mediocre, so we can’t waste it. Mirth-24/7 minimises the risk of us squandering solid but unremarkable stock material by featuring it in unfavourable conditions, which means it loses its value.” 

The Funny Bone creates a multidimensional map of content interaction by running it past a representative panel of 10,000 volunteers in random orders and assessing their brain response. Mirth-24/7 is fed the resulting vector. 

“The result is that we know what works with what and what does not. The interactions are complex and unpredictable. We can then use and AI to determine the best running order to deliver to different audience segments.”

In randomised control trials the Mirth-24/7 system delivered jokes at near 85% of optimum efficiency. Similar approach may one day be applied to create contexts to maximise other common social media criteria, like cuteness. ■

Brexit need not be a yes/no question


Having just banged my head on the underside of the kitchen cabinet I was also struck by a brilliant idea: “omni-Brexit”. This is a Brexit which both happens and does not happen at the same time, so keeping everyone happy.

The current model for Brexit, used by both sides of the debate, is based on the premise that leaving the EU is incompatible with staying. This sudden blow to the back of the head made me realise the debate is centred on a false dichotomy: The UK can both leave the EU and remain at the same time.

The key to this realisation is to recognise we are a nation, or rather nations, of individuals who can and should be able do whatever we want. Some of us wish to leave the EU and some remain. All of this is fine. The government should not be there to interfere or prescribe but, instead, provide mechanisms to enable all of our individual choices, all at the same time.

My suggestion for doing so is this: Those of us wanting blue travel documents would simply need to provide evidence of a commitment to minimise their social and economic interaction with continental Europe. More important, perhaps, since we live in the real world, would be to show we genuinely begrudge whatever European dealings we do have.

Once over this hurdle we would have the right to claim a modern new blue Brexit travel document entitling us to be ineligible for a whole range of work, residence, benefits, healthcare, trade in all the remaining 27 EU countries, not including the UK.

Both the private and public sector would be encouraged to provide a range of blue-passport-only-products, like special prices for overseas goods, trade impediments, a new 50p coin and a full country of travel options. Technology, particularly apps, could be relied on to provide new levels of Brexit personalisation further down the line.

Meanwhile, those content to plod on with their one-size-fits-all burgundy travel document could continue to do so. But, before continuing, they would be sent an information pack outlining the consequences of not being ineligible for EU offerings in quite the same way as blue passport holders.

Omni-Brexit, as set out here, offers an open, flexible system with an opt-in, opt-out approach, able to respond to Brexit demand over time. Only those who campaigned for Brexit need be taken as lifelong blue passport holders to ensure a dependable core user-base.

Some details need to be fleshed out, of course, but it is largely a matter of implementation. Far from being an impending national disaster omni-Brexit offers everyone—whether they want to be in, out, or to have a bit of both—a real win-win-win solution. ■