fiction

SAN FRANCISCO—The perennial problem of poor punctuality has been solved, says San Francisco startup SynchroPal, billed as the “cure for lateness”.

“Our arrival times at social appointments varies, depending on factors including our cultural background and sense of self-worth,” says its research director James Kravitz.

The company’s eponymous app hopes to allow users with different arrival times to arrange meetings “seamlessly”, with each recipient seeing an appointment time tailored to them.

Friends who typically arrive 20 minutes late will see a time 20 minute earlier than those who arrive on time. Adjustments are made the other way for those who turn up early.

“An inability to make appointments on time can cause distress both to the one who is late and to those who must wait for them,” says Kravitz. The company estimates punctuality failures cost $23.7bn a year.

The medical and academic community disagree on whether the well-known phenomenon should be given the status of medical condition, tentatively called “dyschronia”.

“The traditional view is that people who are constantly late are inconsiderate or selfish, while others say they are simply unwell. Synchropal get around that whole thing,” says Kravitz.

The SynchroPal app is downloadable free from the Google Play and Apple Store, with users charged a micro payment for each synchronous meetup.

“We need to build up trust in the new system and to allow people to use it without thinking about it,” says Kravitz. “They will then find their lives run much more smoothly.” ■

“Hit me with it.”
“In the beginning was the word, and the word…” 
There was a cough. John looked up from his reading, wounded.
“Sorry, John, do you mind if I offer some feedback?”
“But I only just started.”
“I know, I know it’s frustrating. I just feel you need to start with more punch.”
“More punch? This is the bible. Does the bible need punch?” 
“Trust me, everything needs more punch, especially the bible.”
“Ok, I’ll have to take your word for it.”
“Do that. I’ve had an eternity in this business. I know what I’m talking about. People get bored awfully easily.” 
“This editor is a real hard ass,” thought John.
“I know you think I’m a hard ass, John, but I’ll let it go.”
That got John’s attention. 
“OK, let’s get back to it. This is the beginning, we know it’s the beginning. What the reader needs is information right between the eyes. Pow!”
“So maybe we should start with, ‘There was the word’?” ventured John.
“How would we know it was the beginning?”
“Er. I don’t know.”
“You tell them John, you are writing this thing..
“There was the word at the beginning.”
“Okay, try again.”
“‘The word’, that was the beginning.”
“Better. Lead the reader into it now.”
“‘The word’, and that was just the beginning’?” John ventured. 
“I like it. I like it. It creates a mystery and leads the reader in, hungry. And now what.
“’Tune in next time to find out what happens in the second part of this sentence’?”
“You’re getting the hang of this.” ■

The Slightly Serious Fraud Office today unveiled plans to create a pyramid scheme incubator division as part of a new, entrepreneurial approach to activities traditionally seen as crimes.

“For too long pyramid schemes have been operated on the wrong side of the law by criminals, putting consumers at unnecessary risk,” said Richard Gregory, head of the newly-launched SSFO Schemes Incubator.

“We are leveraging the SSFO’s reputation and expertise to update this approach to give investors the reassurance they crave of having half-a-chance of striking it rich by putting their money in an inherently unstable investment vehicle.” 

Pyramid schemes typically give sizable returns for a small number of early investors at the very top, before collapsing in ruins on everyone else. Proponents say the new department will allow more people a chance to join those who benefit.

“The key is openness. As long as everybody has ticked a box to acknowledge that around 95% of investors in pyramid schemes are set to lose every penny,” says Gary, one of the new breed of entrepreneurs to get an official SSFO certificate.

“Pyramid schemes will go on regardless,” says Clair Fisher, an MP backing the scheme. “It is far better to legalise them and monetise people’s unrealistic aspirations, so giving pyramid businesses a fair chance and bring in Treasury revenue, rather than simply enrich criminals.”

Fisher says the proceeds of the incubator scheme will be invested in schools, hospitals, social services and counselling services, benefiting both winners and losers of the system. ■