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UPDATE: Olympic beer promotion deal includes all AB InBev brands
A heavily-criticised deal to promote beer brands at the next two Olympics covers all brands in AB InBev’s portfolio, Alcohol Review has learned.
The deal shows a “disgraceful disregard for the health and wellbeing of the millions of children” said the UK Association of Directors of Public Health on Monday, with Scottish health NGO SHAAP saying it is “very disappointing”,
The agreement between the International Olympic Committee (IOC) and AB InBev will cover “all the brands within AB InBev’s portfolio”, a spokesperson told Alcohol Review today, adding that there will be “a global focus on non-alcoholic beer products”.
The deal includes “increased prominence and availability of these products for fans and athletes across the world to celebrate and encourage responsible drinking”, the IOC said. It said the partnership will be “led globally” by AB InBev’s new no-alcohol brand Corona Cero. Olympic sponsors’ brands are not seen on the field of play as they would be in football.
“The proposed marketing activities are focussed on an adult audience only with a strong responsible drinking message as a key component. We are confident that this partnership will meet all appropriate industry standards in relation to its positioning and messaging,” said a British Olympic Association spokesperson.
Critics say the purpose of promoting a zero alcohol brand like this one is to simultaneously promote a near-identical alcoholic brand, hoping to sides-step advertising restrictions like those in France, which hosts the games this year.
The IOC’s statement on Friday said AB InBev’s 3.5% Michelob Ultra brand will take the lead at the Los Angeles games in 2028. One of its selling points is being relatively low in calories. The Olympics have featured some alcohol sponsorship before but this is the first time an alcohol company has been a worldwide partner. ■
Above all
This is fiction.
Watching the little people milling like ants below his snugly-slippered feet brought the reassuringly delicious combination of pity and scorn. “A certainty in an uncertain world,” mouthed the serial entrepreneur Ken Midas, tucking his signature long grey hair behind his ears as he prepared for his daily trance.
The scurrying, bug-like people below were not like him and never would be. He was the inventor of the revolutionary silent fridge. He alone discovered a novel way to suspend an electric pump in a way which almost completely eliminated vibration, so minimising ambient noise. Those little people had not. Hardly any of them even had the first idea about the way vibrational noise radiates into the environment from poorly suspended pumping devices.
Not only that but he, not they, had for 43 years successfully defended the patent on devices using his revolutionary method. He had beaten every challenger. Not for nothing was it that he was called “the undisputed champion of the world defending his intellectual property” by the Wall Street Journal. None of the little people below, who barely even looked like proper people from the 27th floor, had been described as the undisputed champion of anything, let alone in defending intellectual property. Doing it was really hard, nobody could deny that, not if they knew what they were talking about.
Nobody to the horizon he could see stretching away as he looked over the city skyline could take any of his achievements away from him. Law prohibited it and quite right too. They could not legally take away the billions of dollars, sterling, yuan and yen in bank accounts across the globe, managed by a well-drilled legion of tax accountants. As a second line of defence he had assembled lobbyists, political aids and spokespeople to defend the fundamental principle that every penny should be his and his alone.
He closed his eyes now, standing, raising his arms to shoulder level palms up, belly breathing, as his life coach Angelo had shown him. He pictured himself as first as a rocket, then blasting off, rising, slowly, accelerating fast, pushing hard through the vibration propagating atmosphere, becoming viscous at this speed, sticky, holding him back. And then into clear, freedom of weightless orbit, beyond the selfish grasp of gravity, floating free, gazing down on his world. This is where Angelo was dead wrong, and his wife, about the need to ground himself, which was why they both had to go. Hanging there, free, alone, and taken into orbit thanks to his massive achievement.
He wavered for a second in the excitement and had to peep through his eyelids to steady himself, before closing them again, rocking his head back. Nobody could threaten the power and satisfaction he had from control of his empire, this army, this treasury of intellect, the backup of billions, together with the recognition and respect that went with it. He had had his ups and downs, for sure, but invention had meant refrigerators–and heat transfer devices in general– had entered a new era, opening massive new commercial opportunities. And with these commercial opportunities had blossomed something little short of a social revolution.
Thanks to him people were no longer afraid to have fridges in more intimate spaces, disrupting their sleep or making an annoying rattling sound while they watched a movie or meditated, like he was now. People now used endless variants of his patented Phrygia device. Some used them even to near-silently cool their bed on hot days. Phrygias were built into the arms of sofas and cars, for cooling drinks and ice creams for a non-stop sensory barrage of chilled food and beverage items.
The industry had found the public unexpectedly receptive to ice-cold smoothies or a protein shake in bed. Midas Research, part of the marketing department, encouraged this habit by commissioning research to show that cold nutrition taken lying down helped reduce anxiety, boost mood and potentially improved cardiac function. It got little traction in the scientific community, but since when did they change anything? Success in the real world comes from telling stories people want to hear, not from getting bogged down in facts and figures. It was no coincidence that the last few James Bonds impressed their conquests by pulling chilled food and beverages from under the bedcovers. That was how you changed the world.
The wall behind the standing, swaying Ken Midas contained a gallery of press cuttings, all neatly preserved behind glass. His eye caught the headlines “Meeting Ken Midas, the king of cool”, “More than a morning smoothie”. The centrepiece of all of them was one from the mid-2020s in bed with one of his early Phrygia fridges. The photoshoot had coincided with the well-publicised breakdown of his marriage during an unusually spectacular midlife crisis. His above average looks and far better than average bank account were enough for a half-way done beano of epic proportions. It became a well-worn joke that Ken Midas would sleep with more or less anything including household appliances.*
The refrigeration breakthrough that first made him rich was thirty years ago now but it remained the centrepiece. He never matched it, despite having far greater resources. The EatMan, a pocket toaster and microwave, fell victim to a class action lawsuit brought by those who had suffered pocket fires in which Midas Inc settled for damages of $1.7bn. He had been quoted as saying that the reason for the problems was “not the fault of the device but the fucking idiots using them”, he had said in and interview with the Financial Times. “It’s not the EatMan that’s the problem, but the fact that the people using them are completely stupid,” he said during an interview with Newsweek. The company ultimately had to recall the entire production run of 190,000 EatMans.
Thoughts of this episode buzzed through his head forcing him to lower his now aching arms, moving back to his large empty desk. The EatMan was the disaster which ultimately brought him to this fabulous office of the President Emeritus. The Midas share price had plummeted and his statements had only compounded the problem. Nothing was clearer than that customers–some singed–were unhappy being called stupid by a man famous for sleeping with a refrigerator. The popular outcry led by those burnt by the EatMan led the board to tell him the only way to save the company, and his fortune, was for him to step aside.
Midas sank into his high-backed office chair covered in supple white leather all kept at optimum sitting temperature by Phrygia. He pressed a button on the desk, “I am not taking calls,” he said. He lowered himself into his heat controlled supple leather sanctuary to think of a follow up, while picturing all the people beetling aimlessly below him.
“Idiots,” he thought, closing his eyes. ■
*This joke was first told by a little-known stand-up called Brian Murray in the Frog and Fly pub in Luton, but statistics suggest it has since been told by around 54% of the world’s population.
Alcohol Review – issue 98, December 22nd 2023
Alcohol understanding for all
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In this issue: Alcohol deaths hit record high in England; Study to see alcohol-free impact on young; Bingeing plus genetics multiply liver risk; Sperm impact longer than expected
Alcohol deaths hit record high in England
Alcohol-specific deaths rose 4.6% in 2022 in England and Wales, reaching the highest level on record, according to estimates from alcohol expert Colin Angus. The 36% rise since before the pandemic is higher than the alcohol death rises seen in Australia (30%) and the US (31%). Official figures are expected in February. Read more
Study to see alcohol-free impact on young
An Australian project will investigate the impact of promoting and using zero-alcohol drinks on young people’s perceptions and behaviour towards full strength alcohol. It will aim to find out if they act as a gateway to alcohol use or alcohol brand loyalty. Read more
Bingeing plus genetics multiply liver risk
People who binge drink and have a certain genetic makeup are six times more likely to develop alcohol-related cirrhosis says a new study. Read more
Sperm impact longer than expected
A father’s sperm is negatively impacted by alcohol drinking even during the withdrawal process, meaning it takes much longer than we previously thought for the sperm to return to normal, according to a new study. Read more
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The goose
One day a man going to the nest of his goose found there an egg all yellow and glittering, or so he said. When he picked it up it was as heavy as lead and he was going to throw it away, because he thought a trick had been played upon him. But he took it home and soon found to his delight that it was an egg of pure gold. One day he grew greedy; and thinking to get at once all the gold the goose could give, he killed it and opened it only to find nothing.
“Oh, brilliant. You killed the fucking goose that looked like it might save us? That’s just brilliant, Colin. Just brilliant. What the fuck are we going to do now?” Helen hissed, perched heavily on a barstool in the kitchen living-room of a fiercely contemporary barn conversion.
On the smoothed hardwood bar in front of her the now-frozen goose seemed to look at Colin through the fogged plastic bag with much the same accusatory expression as breathless, seething Helen. Her pinkish neck extended and chest heavily beneath her large white maternity smock.
“Don’t worry, my dearest,” said Colin, twirling his waxed moustaches on either side and then pinching his beard to a point in the middle, shooting a mischievous look. Despite his bravado he was on edge. He had thoroughly prepared himself for this for this moment, having taken a look at the inner workings of their prize goose.
“Don’t ‘dearest’ me, Colin. I gave up a cushy job in call centre management to help you with this hair-brained goose venture. We’ve mortgaged ourselves to the hilt and I’m up the duff. And now you’re telling me that you literally killed our businesses one asset stone dead. Tell me, how do I not worry?”
This, Colin realised, was not going to be an easy discussion. Helen, who was normally remarkably even-tempered, had become more irritable as her pregnancy progressed beyond the seventh month.
“Hear me out, my…,” he caught himself before doing it again. “My discovery is not the obstacle it might first appear to be. We have, in fact, made enormous progress in establishing the foundations of the business going forward.”
“The kind of enormous progress a fisherman makes when they sink their boat or a baker makes when they burn down their bakery?”
She was taunting him, but he held his nerve.
“No, no. This is where our business differs so fundamentally from such humble activities. Far from destroying value, what I have done is secure our financial future.”
“What? I don’t understand? Let’s look at the facts, shall we? Having blown all our golden eggs on this property we have just two golden eggs left in reserve and now one dead golden-egg-laying goose,” she said, jabbing an accusing finger into the breast of the partially-thawed goose.
“Ah, you are, of course, quite right in the factual details, m…,” he hesitated. “But, taken together with the full market context, the essential research I did on the goose has not been a disaster for the business. It is far from being a disaster. It has in fact revealed the true uniqueness of our golden-egg-producing-goose, while also ensuring us against devaluation of her eggs by decisively limiting their number, so ensuring their rarity. They are now a limited edition. In short, this means we can be certain the value of the eggs is not only maintained over time, but increases.”
“You are talking complete gobbledygook. How can having a dead goose possibly be better than having a live one?”
“Ah, well, that is where it gets really interesting. What we first need to do is to spread our new success story as widely as possible, making the story of this remarkable goose the talk of the and her eggs an unshakable benchmark of value.”
He continued with this babble, twirling his beard and hopping from foot to foot. He could keep it up for as long as it took to wear someone down. It could have been hours or days, but it was in reality two hours twenty-seven minutes and thirty-three seconds.
He first talked, offering some examples and diagrams on a notepad. He answered her volleys of questions quite effortlessly. Though she did not understand a word, her worries gradually seemed foolish. She was first angry, then suspicious, then exhausted, then hopeful, deeply, deeply hopeful.
This was the answer. Her breathing was now deep and soothing. She was sure this was the beginning of something, just as she had been sure when she first met him on retreat in the Scottish mountains. She was sure as she had been three weeks after when he had took her in his arms and invited her to be his partner in his goose venture and make babies in this soulless barn.
Gone were the doubts and gnawing anxiety that grew in her when she fell pregnant in that cold, isolated barn miles from anywhere. Gone were the doubts that rose when she found that he was already married. And gone was the stab of worry that took her when the bank account showed that the appetite for goose meat and eggs was not a fraction of what he had said. She felt as happy as when he had persuaded her that one of the geese had started golden eggs, perhaps happier still.
Colin was equally exultant as he looked at her freshly flushed face. More important than convincing Helen was that he had convinced himself. And he had done so fully. The ideas he had created buzzed now round his mind filling him with glee and excitement. This is how it had to be. There was no hope of implementing his ambitious plans for the goose if he did not embrace it himself. How could he expect anyone else to believe him if he showed any doubts himself? His anxieties and doubts had dropped away and he knew he was radiating the overwhelming confidence he felt when life went well for him. The power surged through him like the energy of an inner nuclear fusion.
She had heard from him how the goose’s value and that of the miraculously egg could be maximised and multiplied. Far from being a disaster, the untimely death of the golden goose was a masterstroke. It was not the death of a goose, but the birth of a suite of businesses under the umbrella of GooseTech.
It signalled the moment when the goose could finally be genetically sequenced. Researchers could then buy the rights to the DNA database to help work out what gene might have been responsible for the appearance of the golden eggs. There were millions of scientists willing to part with a few tens of millions of dollars to unlock the potential of endless gold production. The goose weighed 4kg, and each sample need only be one nanogram, or one billionth of a gram. So potentially there were 4 trillion samples. If they were sold at 1,000 dollars a sample, that would mean sales of $4 quadrillion.
The golden egg itself too would be the root of many times its raw value as scrap gold. It would be legendary and unique. It could be carefully micro-sampled and sold at, say, $12 per dozen atoms to those wishing to work out how the egg came to be. That works out at 4-with-22-zeros-after-dollars, or $4 million quadrillion. Then there was Goosecoin, a crypto meme currency linked to a picture of the goose looking out of its plastic bag, which would quickly build a cult following among individuals who wanted to get in on the action.
Within months of the demise of the goose the venture capital community had invested billions in GooseTech Inc, sensing big profits. They were mesmerised by Colin’s complete confidence, pointed beard and side-to-side hopping. He seemed so ludicrous and the idea so idiotic that it must be pure genius. They invested enough of other people’s money to make GooseTech the first mega-unicorn, that is a private company with a valuation of well over $1,000bn.
After a year a handful of investigations of the DNA and golden goose egg came up with nothing other than that it was a regular goose. And the gold samples too revealed that it was 22.3 karat gold. This amounted to a total revenue for GooseTech of just shy of $400 dollars, not including postage costs. No matter how much Colin hopped from foot-to-foot and pointed his beard, people wondered openly if there was much sense in doing any more tests. Would another test reveal a different answer? And there was talk of how Colin’s only previous business experience was as an estate agent in Kettering. This business, never wildly successful, had been wound up by order of a magistrate after he was found to have spent tenants’ deposits on a camper van.
It was said to have been the biggest fraud since the last biggest fraud. Colin, who had been syphoning company funds to his own account, went on the run. On a tip-off from Helen he was picked up, clean shaven on route to the Cayman Islands with a suitcase of thousand dollar bills. If found guilty he faces up to 3,466 years behind bars. ■
Alcohol Review – issue 97, November 24th 2023
Alcohol understanding for all
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In this issue: UK cuts taxes fuelling alcohol harm; Japan lays out draft guidelines; Ghanaian civil society supports celeb ad ban; Ireland’s 9pm ad ban begins 2025
UK cuts tax fuelling surge in alcohol harm: The UK government this week made another real terms cut in alcohol tax, despite surging alcohol harm, with alcohol deaths last year 27% above pre-pandemic levels in 2021. It is “utterly frustrating news”, said Professor Sir Ian Gilmore, chair of the UK Alcohol Health Alliance. An early tip-off of the decision to the Sun tabloid and alcohol industry meant almost no criticism was heard.
Japan lays out draft guidelines: Japan set out a draft for its first low risk alcohol guidelines of 50ml a day for men and 225ml for women. They also say, “It is important to keep alcohol intake as low as possible.” The UK guidelines are 20ml a day for both men and women. More research is needed on risk acceptability, said a new commentary.
Ghanaian civil society supports celeb ad ban: Civil society actors in Ghana support the Food and Drugs Authority’s position to ban alcohol advertisements by celebrities which is currently being challenged in court.
Ireland’s 9pm ad ban begins 2025: A ban on alcohol ads appearing on TV in Ireland before 9pm will come into effect on January 10th 2025, the Department of Health said.