Story

An everyday story of internet folk

Scene: A dimly lit Whatsapp text screen; Cast: Molly (M), Jenny (J)

M: Hi Jenny

J: Hi Moll

M: You’re having a lol, ain’tcha?

J: What lol might that be, Moll?

M: A little bird tells me you’ve been texting Steve behind my back. Or am I wrong?

J: So what if I have? You only went and ghosted him last week.

M: For the record, Jenny, I didn’t ghost him, I cancelled him. And, either way, it doesn’t mean you can just start texting him.

M: Since when?

J: Since now.

[Jenny has blocked this conversation appears on screen]

J: [voice] For fuck’s sake. 

Theme music plays.

One side of an internet argument looks set to achieve outright victory having “out-trolled” its opponents over nearly a decade, according to a source close to the defeated side.

It is believed to be the first time in internet history that a group of people have been provoked and ridiculed so skillfully that they decided to entirely abandon their opinions.

“I was just tired of being called names by people with hidden identities and agendas, so I decided it was time to call it a day and change my ideas completely,. We were out-trolled,” an insider told Unreal.

The two sides are thought to have been arguing continuously for at least nine years. None of those to whom we spoke could tell us what the argument was originally about. 

“As a group we ran out of ideas, hashtags and memes. Slowly we realised this meant our ideas were invalid. So we got together and, with a few hold-outs, decided to call it a day.”

The defeated side has not yet been named, but internet arguing experts say the other side will be hoping it leads to a domino effect in other issues.

“One of the core principles of the internet is that slagging people off is the most effective way to change their views,” says CapsLock34644, a self-styled internet warrior.

“This just goes to show those wimps who said sitting behind a keyboard calling people names was not going to achieve anything. Who is dumb now?”

The case of some of the names and statements made in this report may have been changed for style reasons. ■

A fortunate minority occupies a large share of media attention. Here we restore balance by catching up with some of those to whom lady luck has dealt an entirely predictable hand.

Ted Hurley, 59, a plasterer and home improvement enthusiast from Basingstoke picked the numbers 4, 19, 12, 36 and 41, none of which appeared in the draw this week. As a regular player he has won several small prizes over the 20 years he has played, swearing by the lucky dip. He said, “I’m neither surprised nor disappointed. It is a game of pure chance with 45m players, nearly all of them lose. So I play with the expectation of losing.” 

A trainee nail technician from Runcorn Rachel Barnes, 23, who has run four half marathons, always uses digits derived from her siblings’ birthdays. “I did it since I started playing a few years ago.” One of them, the number three, came up in this week’s draw. “When I saw three had come up, I really thought it might be my lucky week, but then all the other numbers were completely wrong.” She says she will keep playing because, “It is only a matter of time until the other five numbers come up.”

This week’s star lottery loser: An IT technician Maidenhead, 38, who plays five-a-side football, who chose to remain anonymous, was excited to see four of her regular numbers. “I remember I checked when I was on the bus to work.” This would have probably  meant she had won several thousand. But, a moment later, she realised that she had not bought a ticket this week because it rained really hard. She said she was “pretty annoyed” with herself. Asked what she will do now she has lost, “I would have liked to have paid off all my bills and have a holiday. I won’t do that now, not right away.” 

We will bring you more stories of highly-probable outcomes next week. Do, please, contact Unreal if you would like to share the story of a lucky break which did not happen to you. ■