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Q: You’ve two lengths of fuse, of the kind used for bombs in cartoons. Each will burn for a total of one minute, but burn erratically. Can you use them to measure 45 seconds?
The first step is, as in any decent cartoon, to cackle in an evil way while lighting a match. Then light both ends of one fuse and one end of the other. Once the one burning at both ends is burnt out, light the other end of the remaining half-burnt fuse, cackling.
An everyday story of internet folk
Scene: A dimly lit Whatsapp text screen; Cast: Molly (M), Jenny (J)
M: Hi Jenny
J: Hi Moll
M: You’re having a lol, ain’tcha?
J: What lol might that be, Moll?
M: A little bird tells me you’ve been texting Steve behind my back. Or am I wrong?
J: So what if I have? You only went and ghosted him last week.
M: For the record, Jenny, I didn’t ghost him, I cancelled him. And, either way, it doesn’t mean you can just start texting him.
M: Since when?
J: Since now.
[Jenny has blocked this conversation appears on screen]
J: [voice] For fuck’s sake.
Theme music plays.
One side of an internet argument looks set to achieve outright victory having “out-trolled” its opponents over nearly a decade, according to a source close to the defeated side.
It is believed to be the first time in internet history that a group of people have been provoked and ridiculed so skillfully that they decided to entirely abandon their opinions.
“I was just tired of being called names by people with hidden identities and agendas, so I decided it was time to call it a day and change my ideas completely,. We were out-trolled,” an insider told Unreal.
The two sides are thought to have been arguing continuously for at least nine years. None of those to whom we spoke could tell us what the argument was originally about.
“As a group we ran out of ideas, hashtags and memes. Slowly we realised this meant our ideas were invalid. So we got together and, with a few hold-outs, decided to call it a day.”
The defeated side has not yet been named, but internet arguing experts say the other side will be hoping it leads to a domino effect in other issues.
“One of the core principles of the internet is that slagging people off is the most effective way to change their views,” says CapsLock34644, a self-styled internet warrior.
“This just goes to show those wimps who said sitting behind a keyboard calling people names was not going to achieve anything. Who is dumb now?”
The case of some of the names and statements made in this report may have been changed for style reasons. ■