unreal

This is fiction.

Scientists are trialling a suite of life-affirming placebo dangers to perk up listless middle-life men.

A disproportionate number of men around 50 try to rekindle the devil-may-care attitude of their youth by taking risks which lead to harm.

Motorbike accidents among middle-aged men rose by nearly two thirds in the years since 2013 thanks to this phenomenon, for example.

“We can now treat men going through this common ‘kamikaze phase’,” says Dr Tracey Compton of MomentoMori. “A wake up call is all that is needed to restore balance.

Forcing people to confront their mortality rather than maintaining a state of denial has been found to reduce people’s appetite for risk taking, Dr Compton explains.

To deliver this jolt Dr Compton’s clinic offers patients a range of worrisome medical adventures. “We do everything from heart palpitation to testicular cancer. ”

“I was absolutely bricking it,” says Eric, who was given the impression he had a dangerously clogged carotid artery as part of secret 56th birthday gift from wife Jane.

“I was quite peeved when the wife first told me it was a wind up, but I was so relieved I wasn’t dying I forgave her,” says Eric, who dropped paragliding for gardening.

Relatives can choose from a range of placebo health crises, all guaranteed reminders that life is short enough as it is, without finding new ways to end it early.

“A convincing simulation of impending doom takes patients on a journey, leading most to the firm conclusion that they probably best playing safe,” said Dr Compton.

The cutting edge technique has caused some rifts, she admits, when patients are not as understanding about the well-meaning prank as Eric.

“The strange thing is that we have also had several repeat customers,” says Dr Compton. Eric told Untrue he would be keen to repeat the experience.

“I can’t say I enjoyed the experience, exactly, but I did come out feeling more alive than before.” ■

An everyday story of internet folk

Scene: A dimly lit Whatsapp text screen; Cast: Molly (M), Jenny (J)

M: Hi Jenny

J: Hi Moll

M: You’re having a lol, ain’tcha?

J: What lol might that be, Moll?

M: A little bird tells me you’ve been texting Steve behind my back. Or am I wrong?

J: So what if I have? You only went and ghosted him last week.

M: For the record, Jenny, I didn’t ghost him, I cancelled him. And, either way, it doesn’t mean you can just start texting him.

M: Since when?

J: Since now.

[Jenny has blocked this conversation appears on screen]

J: [voice] For fuck’s sake. 

Theme music plays.

One side of an internet argument looks set to achieve outright victory having “out-trolled” its opponents over nearly a decade, according to a source close to the defeated side.

It is believed to be the first time in internet history that a group of people have been provoked and ridiculed so skillfully that they decided to entirely abandon their opinions.

“I was just tired of being called names by people with hidden identities and agendas, so I decided it was time to call it a day and change my ideas completely,. We were out-trolled,” an insider told Unreal.

The two sides are thought to have been arguing continuously for at least nine years. None of those to whom we spoke could tell us what the argument was originally about. 

“As a group we ran out of ideas, hashtags and memes. Slowly we realised this meant our ideas were invalid. So we got together and, with a few hold-outs, decided to call it a day.”

The defeated side has not yet been named, but internet arguing experts say the other side will be hoping it leads to a domino effect in other issues.

“One of the core principles of the internet is that slagging people off is the most effective way to change their views,” says CapsLock34644, a self-styled internet warrior.

“This just goes to show those wimps who said sitting behind a keyboard calling people names was not going to achieve anything. Who is dumb now?”

The case of some of the names and statements made in this report may have been changed for style reasons. ■

A fortunate minority occupies a large share of media attention. Here we restore balance by catching up with some of those to whom lady luck has dealt an entirely predictable hand.

Ted Hurley, 59, a plasterer and home improvement enthusiast from Basingstoke picked the numbers 4, 19, 12, 36 and 41, none of which appeared in the draw this week. As a regular player he has won several small prizes over the 20 years he has played, swearing by the lucky dip. He said, “I’m neither surprised nor disappointed. It is a game of pure chance with 45m players, nearly all of them lose. So I play with the expectation of losing.” 

A trainee nail technician from Runcorn Rachel Barnes, 23, who has run four half marathons, always uses digits derived from her siblings’ birthdays. “I did it since I started playing a few years ago.” One of them, the number three, came up in this week’s draw. “When I saw three had come up, I really thought it might be my lucky week, but then all the other numbers were completely wrong.” She says she will keep playing because, “It is only a matter of time until the other five numbers come up.”

This week’s star lottery loser: An IT technician Maidenhead, 38, who plays five-a-side football, who chose to remain anonymous, was excited to see four of her regular numbers. “I remember I checked when I was on the bus to work.” This would have probably  meant she had won several thousand. But, a moment later, she realised that she had not bought a ticket this week because it rained really hard. She said she was “pretty annoyed” with herself. Asked what she will do now she has lost, “I would have liked to have paid off all my bills and have a holiday. I won’t do that now, not right away.” 

We will bring you more stories of highly-probable outcomes next week. Do, please, contact Unreal if you would like to share the story of a lucky break which did not happen to you. ■ 

Popular dating app users will be able to become globally tradable assets from tomorrow, turning their right swipes into financial returns as well as romantic liaisons.

Users will be given the option of linking their profile to a non-fungible token (NFTs), a unique sequence of characters on the cryptographic blockchain.

“Becoming a unique tradable asset with exposure to a global market offers both financial and emotional rewards,” says Sebastian Klein of NFTme, the offshore platform.

NFTs have already been used to represent real-world items like artwork and real-estate, but this will be the first time they have been applied to enable commerce in human beings.

The move comes after warnings about profit limits in the traditional online dating businesses because of the finite number of ways the human population can be paired.

Those opting to take part in the NFT scheme will be able to watch their romantic asset value rise and fall with right and left swipes, while also investing in peers.

Enabling the “Become a non-fungible token” option in settings (pictured). Research already suggests 98% of interactions lead to no meaningful interaction.

“Dating sites have to look beyond the model of initiating largely bilateral human relations,” says Klein. “What could be more enticing than being paid to be admired?”

“Our research tells us that the financially astute are 56% more attractive. There is no better way to signal it than to have an NFT token app on profile.”

 The function will be initially offered free to the small number of “elite” profiles gaining the bulk of attention, others will pay a monthly subscription of around $15.

Asked if the scheme was simply exploiting the financial and romantic hopes of users for no benefit, Klein said, “There is only one way to find out and that is to sign up.” ■

Learn to master the timeless art of restarting your machine, whether you are aiming for a hard or soft reboot, this title offers you guidance from recognised experts in the field. ■